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Episode 62/Transcript
Matthew: Alright, okay, focus up, here we go, so item number seven is taken care of. Blaine is in charge of balloons and punch. Blaine: Okay cool, so what should I bring the punch in? Matthew: Okay, alright. Amendment to item number seven. Blaine is in charge of balloons, punch and also a punch bowl. Blaine: Oooohhhh!!! Tanner: Guys, again, I really appreciate you helping me with this party. Blaine: Of course! It's the biggest party of the year. Matthew: Yeah you better believe we're gonna end our junior year with a bang! Than: Hey guys, should I be the one who's in charge of bringing the pussy? Huh? Alright I mean, I could bring snacks, too, uh, if you guys want. What do you guys feel like, like, like Funyuns, or Chex Mix, or something? Blaine: Oh yeah can you bring Gardetto's also? (everyone agrees with him) Than: Alright... Blaine: Oh one question, are we gonna have a day care provided at this party or— Tristan: Alright boys, consider all of your streamer needs taken care of! (everyone greets Tristan) Tristan: I didn't know if we had a color scheme we were going for, so I just went into Party City and told them, "give me every color you've got except for pink". Just kidding, pink's the color I got the most of!" Hahahahaha! Oh hey everyone, this is my cousin. Shaw: 'Sup! My name's Shawn, everybody calls me Shaw... or The Shaw, what have you. Than: That's fucking stupid, right? The. Who puts "the" before their name? It'd be like calling me The Than. Oh... Matthew: No. No. Right away. I'm cutting that off. No. Than: Alright, I'm just... Jesus, just trying. Good lord. Tristan: Shaw's visiting for a little while from Los Angeles. Shaw: What? No, Tristan. No no no. No. Not from Los Angeles. I'm from Riverside. Riverside! Side pride, you know! Tanner: Riverside, where's that? Shaw: Oh it's the IE, you know! Matthew: No, we don't know, what would that be? Shaw: The IE? I'm talking bout the nine-oh-nine, bro come on! Blaine: Did he just give us his address? Matthew: I believe so. Um, it's nice to meet you, Shaw! Uh, my name's Matthew, this is Tanner, Justin, Blaine, and that's Little Brittnay. Shaw: 'Sup. So Tristan says you're throwing a party. What kind of keg you gettin': Natty or Busch? Matthew: Well, I haven't gotten to all of that yet. Right now, we're just workin' on decorations. Shaw: Decorations, uh? Sounds more like you guys are workin' on your fuckin pussies. What, oh shit! Than: Ha! Did you guys hear—Puss—Where'd this guy come from? Shaw: Hey cuz, that wasn't offensive to you, right? Is pussies ok? Tristan: Oh trust me sweetie, pussy is the last thing I give a shit about. Shaw: Alright cool, cool, cool. Matthew: Anyway... moving on, we had talked about the possibility of making this a theme party— Tristan: Oh my God, I have the greatest theme ever. Picture if you will a night of the stars. We roll out the pink carpet. We have drag queens from every era. We have Lucille Ball, Janis Joplin, Dusty Springfield, Cyndi Lauper, Celine, Mariah, Bette, and of course a parade of Streisands through the years, from Funny Girl all the way through The Guilt Trip! Tanner: Tristan, oh my god, you are such a queen. And I love it! Shaw: Hey bro, that's my fucking cousin! I'm not gonna sit here and let you spread that kind of ignorant fucking hate speech alright. Shit! That's my fucking cousin and I fucking love that guy, ok! Does he suck dick? Yeah! Does that creep me out kinda? Totally! But you gotta learn how to speak homie. Get with the fucking times bro! I watch Modern Family every week, okay? Every fucking week, I'm watching those goddamn antics! You gotta fucking check yourself man. Cuz I'll fight you. I will fight you! I'll fight you, I'll fight you, I'll fight this guy! Matthew: Oh boy you best not be pointing that finger at me. Shaw: Okay, I'll fight that guy. Than: Jackpot! Shaw: I'll fight anybody. Tristan: Shawn, no, it's fine. It's fine. Shaw: Nah man, nah, nah, nah, he needs to hear this. I know you wouldn't say anything 'cuz you're a fuckin nice guy, but I'm not like that, dude. I gotta speak up. That's just Shaw, okay? This is my cousin Tristan, he likes to suck dick. There's nothing wrong with that. Tanner: Yes, I know there's nothing wrong with that, I'm well aware. Cause it is my beautiful long dick he is sucking, and he sucks it good. Cause I'm his boyfriend. Shaw: Wha?! Tristan, you're sucking this homophobe's dick? Tristan: Yes Shawn, I sucked his dick this morning actually! And for the record, he is not a homophobe, this is my boyfriend Tanner, and he was just teasing me. That's the way we play with each other. Well, one of the ways. (laughs) Shaw: Alright Tanner, well, I'm sorry about that. My bad, alright, my bad. I just get real heated when I think someone's spreading that kind of ignorance around. Tanner: It's... fine, uh, I'm glad to see California is such a progressive state. Shaw: You want to hug it out? Tanner: I, no, I don't—''(Shaw hugs Tanner)'' Shaw: No homo. Alright, you mind if I use your restroom? I had half a jug of creatine on the flight over and that shit goes right through me. Tanner: Yeah, it's down the hall on the right. Tristan: Sorry about that guys. Fair warning, he's going to be here for the next few weeks, so... Tanner: Wow, uh, he is quite intense. Blaine: And also very rude! Than: Remember when he said that thing about your guys' pussies! Oh man, classic Shaw! (at cheer practice) Mackenzie: Where the fuck is she?! Trisha call her again! Trisha and Trisha 2: Okay! Trisha: Ooh, it's ringing. Trisha 2: Mine too. Trisha: Hello Shay—I got her. Trisha 2: Mine's still ringing. Trisha: What's that? Oh yeah, I can hold. Trisha 2: Ooh, I got her. Oh yeah, what's that? No, yeah, sure you can call me back. She was on the other line. Trisha: I got her! Hey Shay, we just—oh you are—nice, okay, alright, yeah that's fine. She had to go. She was at cheer practice. Shay: Hey. Mackenzie: Shay where the fuck were you?! Shay: What? I was getting my nails done. Mackenzie: You were getting your nails done? Shay, you're an hour and a half late to practice! Shay: Okay, so I missed a little bit of practice, so what? Mackenzie: Our practices are an hour and a half long. Shay: Sweet, well I'll see you guys tomorrow then. Biye! Mackenzie: Shay, have you forgotten you're the head cheerleader of this squad? Shay: No, but apparently you have. Mackenzie: Shay, you're the fucking head cheerleader, you're supposed to be in charge of this squad and you're showing up an hour and a half late? Shay: Am I Mackenzie? Am I an hour and a half late? Or am I right on time? Mackenzie: (beat) No! You're an hour and a half late! Shay: Alright, well whatever. Fuck you. Mackenzie: Ugh! Shay: So girls, what are we up to today? Mackenzie: Well, we were trying to figure out what to do about Brittnay. Shay: Oh Jesus, we're still on that? Mackenzie: Yes! Shay we're still on that! As the head cheerleader, it's your job to come up with a plan to win Brittnay back. Shay: Okay, here's my plan: tell her you're sorry. Mackenzie: I already did that Shay! I told her I was sorry for blowing up her car and then she slapped us both in the face, remember? Shay: Oh right. Ok, new plan, we get our hands on laxatives— Mackenzie: No Shay, no fucking laxatives! Is that the only fucking plan that you have? Shay: Well, how about this for a plan? You're off the squad. Mackenzie: What?! Shay: Yeah, you're the one that pissed Brittnay off, so we get rid of you, we get rid of our Brittnay problem. Mackenzie: You can't just kick me off the squad, you floppy-lipped cunt. Shay: Uh last time I checked I was the head cheerleader, so I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want. Trisha: Uh actually, ejection of any member of the squad would require a vote. Shay: Okay, well, I vote to kick Mackenzie off the squad. There, now beat it. Mackenzie: She means a majority vote, you fucking dumbass! Shay: Oh. Okay, who else votes to kick Mackenzie Zales off the Cheer Squad? Trisha: Well, Mackenzie's one of my oldest friends, and while I know that keeping her on the cheer squad makes us a target, I also know that if I were in the same position, she would vote to keep me on. She's always been there for me, so if this entire cheer squad is going to be destroyed, I want Mackenzie Zales by my side. By my side. Mackenzie: (tearing up) Awwww, Trisha. (sniffs) Trisha 2: Yeah and Mackenzie pretty much buttsexed the shit out of my last cheer squad, so I want to stay on her good side. Mackenzie: Well there you go Shay. Trisha: Oh, um, actually Mackenzie you haven't voted yet. Mackenzie: I vote stay, Trisha. Trisha: Oh, okay. Alright, alright, okay, so, let me just, um... Trisha 2: Carry the... carry the one. Trisha: Yeah, thank you, thank you... Sorry, do you have an extra page for just like, you know like, scratch paper? Trisha 2: Oh yeah, here! Trisha: Okay, thank you, uh... Trisha 2: Anything coming up? Trisha: Uh, uh, wait. Mackenzie: Fucking figure it out. Trisha: Oh oh okay alright, and... Mackenzie stays. Trisha 2: Ooh! Mackenzie: Jesus Christ. Alright Shay, you got more any more plans up your sleeve, you self-serving, backstabbing little twat? Shay: Yeah, here's a plan for you. Fuck you. I quit. Mackenzie: (happily) Wh... whaaaaat? Shay: Yeah, I quit. This is fucking dumb. You have to go to practice everyday, wear stupid-ass matching outfits, deal with psychopaths who blame you when someone else blows up their car, it's dumb. I'm already popular, I don't need this shit. I'm out. So have fun dealing with the fucking Frankenstein monster that you created. Because when you all get destroyed, guess who's gonna be there ready to swoop in and take over the school? Trisha 2: Ooh, The Punisher! Trisha: I was gonna guess Tommy Lee Jones. Trisha 2: That was my second guess! Trisha: Well, it was that or— Trisha 2: Sarah Jessica Parker's chin? Shay: No, no, not the... I'm talking about me. Shay Van Buren. Trisha 2: Oh okay. Trisha: That makes a lot more sense. Trisha 2: Mm-hmm. Shay: Shay out. (aggressively) Biyeeeeeee! (leaves) Trisha 2: Biye! Trisha: Goodnight. Mackenzie: (stammering) Um, hm, I—, o— Trisha: Mackenzie? Mackenzie, are you okay? Mackenzie: FUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEESSSSSSSS! You're goddamn right I'm okay, Trisha! Shay Van Buren's gone, I don't have to take orders from her anymore, I'm head cheerleader again, all that is good and right has been restored and I am in charge of—''(beat)'' You... two. Trisha and Trisha 2: Yay! Trisha: Three person pyramid! Trisha 2: Ooh, yeah! Put yourself on the ground! Trisha: Put your hand upon my hip! Trisha 2: And then another person's down there too cause then there's three! Trisha: It's like a climbing tree! Trisha 2: It's like a climbing tree! Trisha: I learned that a pyramid is made with a prime number. Trisha 2: What'd you learn? You learned... what's a prime? What is a prime? What's a prime? Trisha: Oh, it's um, uh, you have to slow cook it. Mackenzie: Okay, you guys, I'm gonna go home. Ok, I'll see you later. Trisha: Twosome! Trisha 2: Two person pyramid! Stand on my shoulders just like a pyramid!